Self-sustainment...

It has always seemed to be exceedingly difficult for me to admit that I needed someone, not in terms of not needing people to teach me things, but more in dealing specifically with emotional support. I know that we are created by God as relational beings, but it is hard for me to make that a two way street. I am very willing to provide emotional support to my friends and family, so much so sometimes, that I feel drained or exhausted. However, when I vent, it is never the whole story, only parts...parts that give something about myself, but never the complete picture. I don't think I have ever given the complete picture to any one person. The one time I was close to revealing the complete picture, that individual was not really receptive and I guess maybe even a little scared about the intensity of my range of emotions. Needless to say that one event, that one individual kind of confirmed that maybe I am better at driving on a one-way street, occasionally veering off to the left or right to share emotionally. What I find is that it isn't a matter of trust. It is more that I am certain the individuals in my inner circle aren't emotionally strong or healthy enough to assist. Maybe I need to find someone else to include in my inner circle...

Regret is a funny concept...

If you really think about the meaning of regret, it makes it hard to stick with the feeling of it. Whenever I think that I may be about to regret something from my past, I remember where I was in my growth process then and I think about where I am in the present moment...and I feel silly. Would I really want to trade my growth for a "do-over"...if I received that "do-over" what else would change? There is always some consequence for our actions. I wish there were a word that could capture the struggle between wanting a "do-over" and not wanting to give up the growth and learning from the experience. I know I could phrase it as wanting a second chance in the present, but sometimes, that is not always available. The trouble is recognizing when you can't or shouldn't be afforded that opportunity. For the person wanting the second chance, you wouldn't want to hear no, but it isn't always deserved or even beneficial. Why do we look to the past so longingly? Why don't we appreciate the moments that we are in more and act accordingly so that we don't have to in the future look back on that moment wishing for a change? I know this may seem random and a lot like rambling, but I can't help but wonder when I have been experiencing this struggle a lot lately....

Still Amazed...by people

Yesterday I found myself sitting in the F1 terminal of the Chicago O'Hare International Airport impatiently awaiting my twice delayed flight. I could see the tension permeating from the other passengers around me. Each person engrossed in their own reasoning as to why "they" were being tortured and forced to wait by the airline. God's words began to flow through my mind and my spirit began to quiet down and I simply waited and watched and flipped through the pages of my magazine figuring that when it was time to leave, we would go. I noticed however, that no one else seemed to experience the calm that I was now experiencing and I wondered if they didn't hear God's voice as well. My attention was abruptly drawn to an individual that was using eloquent language that I haven't had the pleasure of hearing since my time in the service. He was so open and loud with his opinions of the airline and how they were ruining his night. I tried to give him on of my mother's strong looks hoping that he would stop his abuse of the language and realize that little children and women were near by. I had no such luck. It was his world and we were only adding to his discomfort.

I was shocked that he would be so openly rude and ill-mannered, which brings me to my point. I am amazed that I am still amazed by people and their behavior. I know that I am not the only one to find myself in such situations. But the question has to follow, why. Why am I amazed with behavior that I have undoubtedly seen before and will see again in someone else? Part of the reason is that sometimes, I like to forget how bad and corrupt humans are and can be. Another part of the reason is that I want to believe that everyone wants to let their goodness shine through. No where is that found in Scripture though. The Bible does not tell us that every man wants to be good. The Bible tells us that all have fallen short and will continue to fall short unless there is a spiritual rebirth.

So holding fast to the truths of God enabled me to achieve peace when I started to get anxious or irritated. Those truths also enable me to see that we are fallen creatures completely and that the only way to stand is to stand through/by/for Him. I was amazed because I needed to and will in the future need to be reminded of that.