Progress and Growth...

I am pleased to admit that my need for community and reliance on friends has grown substantially. One of my posts, Self-Sustainment, speaks to a time when I divvied up my emotions amongst my inner circle. Finally, I have stepped out on faith realizing that my relationships are covered by God. This simply means that my friends are there moreso by God's design than by my own. Over the past year, we have all been able to draw closer to one another which has resulted in more of an openness on my part to confide my full range of emotions to each of them.

I have started to long for true community, the kind of experience that I've read about and most recently started to live out. I am finding that I welcome their input and "intrusion" into my life.

I am very aware of how strange this might seem to some, but considering my past and how restricted I have been in sharing myself completely with others, this is an amazing transformation for me. Hallelujah and all praises to my Father in heaven! For only He could bring about this change in me.

Answered Question...

I'm not sure of where I want to start with this blog. I feel that I must pick up where my last blog left off, although it was written months ago. I asked a question regarding the deflation of dreams and now I have my answer. Over these past few months, I have watched my dreams die, be revived, only to die again. However, the funny thing is that I know now that my dream was not dying and that my dream is not dead. I allowed an individual to become a part of my dream only to lose sight of the original dream. I placed so much focus on the individual that my dream cowered behind his shadow. What is dying and has been dying is a relationship with someone who may truly be a great person, but not a great person for me.

I do not hold regrets for the relationship or for our encounters. I will maintain the fondness and true emotion of my memories. Most of which were happy despite any underlying deceptions. The reason that I can say this is because of my experience in those moments. I would not change them or trade them. I will not second guess them or seek to create an alternative that is colored by my new perception of this individual.

It is amazing how deceitful the heart can be and how much you can reason with yourself in order to create a false reality that fits your desires. That is the world that I have been living in the past year and a half. I wrapped myself up in a cocoon of distortions. Through all of it though, God remained steadfast. Despite my unwillingness to clearly listen to His voice, he remained faithful and continued to turn the tide and use my situation to His glory. I woke up this morning praising Him and thanking Him for this hurt that I now feel. It feels a little strange to even think this thought. However, I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and that I am able to now fully move forward onto the path that my Father has laid before me. It is my prayer that the other member of the relationship will move forward in his life toward a greater level of inner peace and toward a stronger relationship with God. I just know that we can no longer move forward together.

It hurts more that I was unfaithful to God than it does to see the end of this relationship. So because I am on bended knee asking and praying for forgiveness, my heart is rejoicing to know that my Father will forgive and does continue to bless and love me.

Dreams Deflated

God has created us to imagine and be creative. We have a deep well of hope and wishful thinking. What does one do when they are faced with the death of a dream? Do you immediately go about creating another? Or do you spend time agonizing and mourning? Because I am in the middle of loosing a dream that had become so vividly etched into my thoughts, I am stuck on the very last question. Everything in me wants to fight to keep this dream alive, but the funny part is that it is completely out of my hands. I am in a position to only patiently watch and allow the dream to die. My dream is in such an unlikely state of survival at the moment that I wonder, if it should live, what will become of it. I know that it will forever be changed. But will I like the change or will my heart still long for the original state of the dream...before it was injured...before it was so fatally wounded?

How does one sit patiently by and watch the death of something so cherished and so loved as a wishful dream? How does one move past the devastation and loss of something that was fastly turning into a reality? How does one survive a dream deflated?