And the Journey Continues...

One of the hardest things to do is to be completely honest with oneself. I often like to think I am somehow “above” this pitfall, that I am able to reflect on experiences with candor and honesty. But alas, it is all a facade. I fall prey to this illusion time after time. Just when I have reconciled a thought in my mind, something happens to shake the very foundation of the “house” I’ve built. No one really wants to say they are still in love with someone who can’t commit to them or who has deeply wounded their soul. What we want to say is that we have recognized the lesson to be learned from the experience and that we are moving forward into what God has laid before us. Minimizing the effects of the hurt is one way to deal with brokenness, but it is not the best way. God desires our hearts which would involve the complete expression of the truth of what we feel and think.

Well…I will strip away all veils and barriers of protection to be real…I am throwing caution to the wind…

By the end of last year, I’d reentered the world from which I sought refuge; the relationship that was presumed to be dead started to show signs of life. Although, I had a “clear” idea that my ex-boyfriend and I weren’t right for each other and I had a “clear” sense of the lessons to be learned, here I was, being faced with the return of him into my life. I lasted for three weeks. Three weeks of telling myself “there was something better”, “that although I wished him the best, he wasn’t for me”, “that there was no explanation he could offer to justify his actions “and that I misunderstood what I originally believed God was urging me towards. After only three weeks, I was entertaining his phone calls and listening to his apologies. The truth of the matter is I love him and my heart is filled with hope (that I sometimes try to ignore). Although there were things that occurred in the relationship to move us off track, God's hand was involved in our joining. I can no longer argue against it or explain it away. The problem was that we did take over the navigation or our "system" and there is bound to be unnecessary difficulties when you move outside of God's navigation.

The present situation is one in which, I wish to be rid of the adversity. Where it seems easier to turn my heart against any hope or what I know to be true. However, the hope perseveres. I have "jokingly" told my friends that I want to pray for God to send him to someone else. But in this joke, I am boldly speaking against what God has identified as a blessing. I speak against it because it is easier to reason that this is not someone with whom I need to be attached. The beauty from this pain comes in recognizing that God still remains faithful even in the midst of my jokes and He continues to cover my heart and provide me with peace. My hope rests in the message of God and not in my interpretations or impressions of the current situation.

My world is ever changing along with my thoughts of the actions I need to take or my understanding of God’s guidance. What I am starting to realize is that I can no longer look to my experiences and current situations to dictate direction. I have to remain faithful to the message God has placed on my heart independent of my surroundings. I have done this countless times, God will clearly speak to me and deliver a message to my heart, but then, instead of holding fast to that message in the face of true adversity, I will look for His guidance on something He has already made known. I find myself starting to believe that He has changed His mind about something or that I misunderstood, no matter how clearly the message was originally presented.